My Immortal: A Commentary
by Haiogh-Yai
Summary: Everybody's favorite 'story' to flame! Now including my commentary and odd sense of humor.
1. Chapters 1-3

**A/N Let all be warned that prolonged exposer to this My Immortal can cause homicidal urges or migraines. I am not responsible for any harm that you inflict on yourself, another person, or your computer. To **_**increase**_** the chances of one of these three occurring I'll try to put three of her chapters into one of mine.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, anything I happen to make a reference to, or My Immortal.**

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><p><strong>This is my commentary<strong>

This is the original story

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: In Which Sues are Sueish<strong>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Fire her, she has failed**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life **Poor unfortunate soul. **u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **This is a totally normal name you guys, all Sues have names like this. **and I have long ebony black **Ah yes, black black is such a great color **hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips **And I'm **_**sure**_** that's totally natural **that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **Clear blue?** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **I should probably leave anyway. You know, for my health**). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **Hi, I'd like my incest with a side of bad grammar.** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **Do they change color with your emotions? Wait no- that's probably your transparent eyes.** I have pale white skin. **If it glitters you're just a confused Meyerpire. Wrong fandom.** I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **Normal-Scottish-Hogwarts has a twin in England?** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)**Thought you had to be for seventh year- woops. I forgot, logic is not welcome here. **I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.

I love Hot Topic** Quite sure that does not exist in Scotland or England, especially during the time period of Harry Potter canon. Anyone have any dates for me? **and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **It's okay school uniform I won't let Ebony Sparkles De-something hurt you *pets a shaking Hogwarts robe***. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **Ahhh! It's Pennywise the clown! Run! Save yourselves!** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **Slushing! Yay!** so there was no sun **No really?**, which I was very happy about **Because you would burst into flames right? Right? Please tell me I'm right. **A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **Hi popularity, how's the weather down there?**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **Oh wow. What an astoundingly unique love interest for a Mary Sue to have. **

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.** Let's play a game: Spot the First OOC Canon Character!**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Sweetie, what did we say about the voices? They're not really there, or your friends.**

AN: IS it good? **No, I think putting nails in my eyes would be less painful.** PLZ tell me fangz! **Maybe I should find those nails...**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: In Which Ebony is Concerning <strong>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta ** What help!?** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **HA HA HA good luck with that.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **As opposed to...?** It was snowing and raining again. **That darn confused weather** I opened **(lifted)** the door **(lid)** of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **You should keep that in a fridge or something...** My coffin was black ebony **Rather redundant, yes?** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **Wow. Terrifying.** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt **So sorry MRC** which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **Toasty warm!** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, **Really? I normally wear my earrings in my un-pierced **_**toes**_**.** and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **I wonder who she's based off of?** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks **and hit her head on the wall 'cause she still has not opened her eyes **and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson **I'm sorry** t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **I am cake-face, hear me ROAR! Anyway, if you have perfect white skin, why are you putting foundation on?**

"OMFG, **Wait, she said oh em eff gee?** I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **What type of vampires are these exactly and when can I make fun of this story for breaking its own rules?**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall **Because, ya know, the Great Hall is totally in the dungeons.**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **"I was totally calm, and not jumping between emotions."**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.** 0.o Please don't make me read Ebony flirting**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **"I'm about to drive a wooden stake soaked in holy water through your heart," he said.**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." **No Malfoy! My plan was way better!** he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **Did these bands spit on your puppy or something? Leave them in peace.**

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked. **Hoping, nay, praying on bended knee that Ebony would say no.**

I gasped. **and kneeled over dead.**

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><p><strong>Chapter three: In Which Dates are Excruciating<strong>

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **No.** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **The hell?** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Sorry, what? I couldn't find this language in Google Translate. Or anywhere.**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **Then tripped and died** Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **You know, clothing was quite a bit more conservative back then.** Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **Lace?** on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **I thought your hair went to mid-back, those must be some spikes.** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **Not funny, you don't just joke about self-harm.** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **YOU ARE A VAMPIRE. YOU CANNOT BLEED! (I think)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner **Who the hell is Bucky?** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **So why did you wear it before?** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **Yay?**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **He stole from the Weaselys? **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner **Mr. I-Hate-Everything-Muggle was? Where are those nails again?**(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **!+depressed= does-not-compute**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked _**Why not**_** cartwheel?** into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)** Run! It's the Anti-Christ meets Christine!** and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **Healthy!** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **Sadly, Ebony tripped and broke her neck, ending this story early.** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **and were crushed under people because reasons.**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song **Clearly, everything there was spelt properly.**).

"Joel is so fucking hot **Poor guy, she approves of him. Erugh...**" I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **Who Joel or Malfoy?**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **because Mad-Eye Moody appeared and turned him into a *gasp* Gary-Stu!**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Using what brain cells?**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Malfoy, I'm not that fond of you, but you don't deserve this.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **It turned out to be a trick. Malfoy was just reaching for a better angle to stake Ebony.**

**"Really I am a Mary-Sue," I said.** "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **She had a yellow face? That's… worrying.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them **Unfortunately, as soon as they saw us they ran away. **We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **Crawled? Into a flying car? How'd that work out?** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **Because Ms. Mary-Sue, he wants to feed you to Aragog. But there is no need to worry! Aragog wouldn't eat you because you would give him indigestion.**


	2. Chapters 4-6

**A/N I have returned! Well here are chapters fail... I mean four through six. They actually are so bad it's funny, especially with the 'lemon' in chapter 4.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: In Which OOC Increases<strong>

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Did she just misspell her own characters name? How does one fail that BADLY?** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **Whatever you say Tara...**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **and fell to his death. **I walked out of it too** and died, ending this travesty of a tale**, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

**"I hate you and would like to expunge you from the world's memory"**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts **Do wizards even have those?**) which revealed so much depressing sorrow **Depressing sorrow? Hello this is the Department of Redundancy Department, can I help you with whatever you need help with?** and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **'Cause 'evilness' always does that.**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **How do you make-out keenly?**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. ***gigglesnort* Yes that is Tara's version of a sex-scene. That was the lemon.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm**, it was the one I had bought earlier that day**. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **Except that it's couldn't because you're technically dead.** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **Dumbledore swears? Is he drunk on lemon-drops or something? Or is this just taking place during the GoF movie?**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: In Which Shirts are Made<strong>

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **So that would be the whole world then because I'm sure they all flamed. **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **Sure... **an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS m nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!** So you SHOULD never update again, yet you do...**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **I want that on a t-shirt.**

I started to cry tears of blood **Do you know that that's an actual condition?** down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall **Wait, if they're both in Slytherin why is McGonagall there? **who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **I want that one on a shirt as well.** asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **What kind of excuse of that, you might as well say: "I'm in this clearly forbidden room because I didn't see the giant neon orange sign and my invisible unicorn Pablo ran in here! I had to get him!" **Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."** Say what?**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **Even as he reached behind her, a wooden stake in his hand...**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **For that is what ''goffic's'' wear to sleep. **When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom **waiting to end this story with a bang. And an Avada Kedavra.**, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **Then the school blew up and everyone who should be was returned to canon. All was well.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: In Which Harry is Slaughtered<strong>

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Who the hell gave you the reviews to make the update for this chapter? Find their homes and grab the pitchforks and torches people!**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end **I'm sure it covers you well.** and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses ***note this, for it is important later! Remember she wore ****_crosses_******* in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **Spray paint? Why not just dye it? And I thought your hair already had purple streaks in it...**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula **I'm a fan of Apple Jack's.** cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **As opposed to what? Neon Green? **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **Eww...** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **Oh no.** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **It can't be! It just can't! **He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **Everyone in Hoggy Warty Hogwarts has an accent. Well, to me-who-is-American anyway.** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **Ahem, we're the sicko's here? I don't think so.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter **Noooooooo! Please, anyone else**, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **He grumbled, giggled, and whimpered in three lines. That is wrong on so many levels.**

"Yeah." I **Rumble**roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. **Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him, leaving Canon Harry to plot the death of Vampire Harry and restore all that is canon in the world.**


	3. Chapters 7-9

**A/N: Look it! I did another three chapters of this whatever-you-want-to-call-it-story-type-thing! Warning: Tara tried her hand at a sex scene again, needless to say she failed epically.**

***Disclaimer* I do not own Harry Potter for I am not rich or English, I do not own anything I happen to make a reference to, and I don't own this... thing.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 7: And Tara spells something right<strong>

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **HOW?** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **The hell is 'tin god vones'?** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **She's a Sue. Get used to it.**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **Nail polish doesn't just morph colors like that.** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? ***nods solemnly* Yes.**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **Redundant!** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **Dear God not again!**

We started frenching passively **Frenching passively, I wonder how that worked.** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **That is ****_the_**** most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard of in the history of ever.** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? **Yes, Yes it was.**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **Personally I'm not a Harry/Draco shipper, a lot of the stories for it are poorly done and the pairing has no BASIS.**

I was so angry.** Was- was that FOUR CORRECTLY SPELLED WORDS!**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **More correct spelling! *begins to hyperventilate***

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **ACTUALLY A LOT OF THIS CHAPTER IS SPELT RIGHT.**

I put on my clothes all huffily **Back to poor grammar, okay. *begins to calm down* **and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Brain Bleach I summon thee!** He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **I would pay money for someone to jump into one of my classes and shout that. Really, I would.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 8: The pod-person-Hermione<strong>

AN: stop flassing ok! **Flashing? I hope not.** if u do de prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **And no teacher tried to stop the naked person running around a school of mostly smallish impressionable children?**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody **Apostrophes are used in place of a missing letter, but I'm pretty sure all the letters in 'bloody' are there** Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair **Black hair does not mean goth.** and opened her crimson eyes **So they were closed before?** like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **White on white, really?** Hermione **No! Not Hermione!** was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. ***eye twitch*** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.) **I guess that means Slytherin='goffic' and Gryffindor=preps. Do Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff just not exist?**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **Oh looky! A new T-shirt!** Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" **Wouldn't that mean she was dating Vampire!Harry who cheated on her with Malfoy while Canon!Harry contemplates mass homicide in the background?** I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped. ***le gasp***

**P.O.V. switch here:** I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. **It's not you, it's me. I hope we can still be friends.** He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

**P.O.V. switch 2** "But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **Because Canon!Harry threatened to feed me to snakes!**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" **There are other swears out there.** I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **your strength or sign of manliness?** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **Bust into tears? So I guess she blew up into salt water. *Bursts into song with colorful midgets* ****_Ding Dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead! Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead!_**

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><p><strong>Chapter 9: Tara is better at Shakespeare <strong>

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **You can read? Oh, wait, you didn't read. That makes more sense.** dis is frum da movie ***snorts* What movies are YOU watching? **ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX! **I just felt my I.Q. drop. You people better appreciate me decreasing my intelligence for this.**

I was so mad and sad **I did something bad and was not glad.** I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **Why go there of all places?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose **TOMMY! Will you provide a plot to this monstrosity!** and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **You said that already.** (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius*!" **"Imperio!"** and I couldn't run away. **Kill it. Kill it! KILL IT VOLDEMORT! KILL THE SUE!**

"Crookshanks!" **How is Hermione's ginger kitty with a squashed face going to help you?** I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **Oh, she meant crucio.** I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **If you felt bad you're not a sadist. Then again you did inflict this... story... on the populace.**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **Shakespeare? **

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **Oh, she Ebony 'Goffic' Raven D'whatever does have at least one I.Q. point. Who'd of thunk?**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **You have a wand.** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **"Ebony, thou must meet thy fate and carry out this wretched task! ****_Kill_**** Vampire Potter and I shall spare the live of thy beloved Draco! Take this weapon from mine hand and go! Go! Complete this deed on this darkest of nights!"**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded **You are.** look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." **I thought telekinesis let you move things with you mind and ****_telepathy_**** let you read minds.** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **How does one fly angrily? I just picture Voldemort on a broom growling under his breath and pouting. *laughs***

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **I'm all happy about murder and your imminent doom!**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit **No, not really.**) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **...what?**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered. **"You're still here."**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled **myself from Hogwarts.**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **You were walking and making out at the same time? Wow.**

**A/N: Please Review! I'll send you virtual pineapples and possibly improve my writing!**


	4. Chapters 10-12

**A/N I have done more and felt myself become even stupider! *Warning* I'm not 100% pleased with this chapter, I don't think I was particularly funny.**

*******Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments. ******

**Chapter 10: Take a drink everyone!**

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle **_Hermione_ never was a muggle.** afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **No, it's not okay. Anyway by that reasoning Wormtail would have been in Slytherin seeing as he's a stupid, slimy, backstabbing, hatful, pathetic... sorry, moving on.**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **There are no words.** I am the lead singer **Didn't see that coming!** of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **That would sound HORRIBLE!** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **NOOOOOOOOO! She killed the last of the Golden Trio!**) and Hargrid. **Hagrid went to school when Tommy did. Why is he in their band?** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s **But wait! Weren't you wearing 2-4 pairs of cross earrings before?** **You were! I made a special note to remember that little fact.** (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak **You can be killed by a piece of meat? Let me go grab some left over skirt steak and end this story!**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride **which isn't really depressing so I don't know why he's watching it.** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **Ho!** and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **Whore!** You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. ***laughs loudly* Yes, you really are.**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. _**Ding Dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead! Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead! She blew up! **_

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **A what voice?**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **Again, use different swears every once in a while or, ya know, don't swear so much.**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall **then ****tripped and died.**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **Sadly, the fact that he used 'muggle' as an insult is the most canon thing to happen so far.**

I started to cry and cry **until I died.** Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **Drinking game! Everyone take a shot whenever she says 'cry'! We'll be dead in an hour even if we only drink water. *before taking part in any My Immortal drinking game it is required that you apologize to your liver and/or kidney's.***

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery ***twinkling, this is Dumbledore we're talking about.** and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **Cry... wisely...? Oh, take a drink everyone!** (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **I thought he was a vampire!fail that only crosses and meat could kill? Tara defied her own canon _twice_ in this one chapter.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 11: OM NOM NOMMING on some tapes<strong>

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **I'm sure it's stupid.** it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **like the good friend that I am** and I ran to my room **crying until I died of dehydration.** Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **Yes, teachers trying to comfort crying students are pervy. Anyway Dumbledore's gay.**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. **That is not something to joke about.** They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily **How do you 'jump into the bath angrily? **while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **Anyone else picture Ebony beating herself up with a good cut of meat while lying on a bathtub? No? Just me? OK then!** I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **I'm not even going to bother.** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed **becaue a bomb was coming at me!** … Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **So LUPIN was chewing to it? Chewing what?** They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" **They're climbin' in yo' windows. Snatching your people up. Hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids.** I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **I thought you aleady put some slutty dress on?** Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" **Abra kadabra?** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **His... womb... *has a fit of laughter*** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming **because they realized that were looking at a MARY-SUE! **and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has destroyed Canon Hogwarts and replaced with this... thing... like... place!**- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **Ebony vanished!**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom **Ran on his broom?** and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **Hagrid is neither little nor a Hogwarts student.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…. **Despite the fact I'm Not!**" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **Didn't see THAT one coming.**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **Except for the names, that was all correctly spelled. Huh, I guess miracles can happen.**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Wait, what just happened?**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **Causing the Author to see a 'goffic' Lupin singing 'We are the campions". Maybe I need help.** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **Bwahahaha! You have not ruined my plans Ebony What-Ever-Your-Name-Is!**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. ***gigglesnort***

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **More correct spelling! Everybody take cover, the apocalypse is upon us!**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **No, just... no.**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap **Crackle Pop!**asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **Snape has an afraid voice?**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **Dear god, not this excuse again.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12: Re-Re-Re-Repeat<strong>

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat **SAY WHAT!** I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **Cedric? Where was he? Does this mean Hufflepuffs exsist? Stay tuned to find out!**

I was about to slit my wrists **Not a topic to joke about.** again with the silver knife that Drago ,**Draco's alter ego, **had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **So... his pinks? AH! He has pink eye, stay away. Expect for the Mary-Sue, she may go closer.**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **Turned back...?**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **Fuck the what?** he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **AHHH! WHERE IS THE BRAIN BLEACH? WHERE?**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **A hospital for fruits and veggie's. Maybe we can meet Larry the Cucumber!** after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching **I thought Hagrid was a student in your weird world?** in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated ***gigglesnort*** the cideo camera they took of me naked **even though I said that I was wearing a dress.** I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **Tara can't spell her own charcters name but can spell 'bouquet'? WTF? And she said SIX LINES AGO that Hagrid was already in the Hospital Wing.**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. **'Cause 'very' is such a long word. *rolls eyes*** serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **Again with swearing every other word with one curse...**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses. **These are Deku Babas, so I want you to hold them and not move."**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **HA! You misspelled 'spelled'!**) to it he added silently. **More telepathy?**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. ***shakes head sadly* You can't do anything _wisely_.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **Eh... What?**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **The BLACK flame was Black? What is this magic? **Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **What is 'Drako'? I have no idea, but that is unsurprising. While reading this story I exsist in a perpetual state of confusion and horror.**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **See, a three letter word and something that goes beyond Tara's intelligence.**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT **Ha, ha, ha! Bad joke get it?**) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **How would that help?**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore **Dumblydore- only Madam Maxime may say this. **lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **-_-**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. ***facedesk* **There was some corset stuff **It's lace, we went over this in chapter one. **on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **Hey everybody? What's black, white, and red all over? *author snickers at the lamest joke she's made so far***

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit **No.**) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap **Crackle, Pop! **and **loony, loopy, **Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **A class for magical pet groomers.** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **So Hufflepuffs do exist here. On that note, d****oes anyone else ever feel bad for Hufflepuff's? They're so neglected...**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wquallysaid **If you can tell me what that word means you get virtual cookies. **way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos **and everybody else for they are all wearing contacts**. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **0.0 That is not a normal response. To anything. Ever.**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **T-shirt! **shouted Professor McGoggle **The mortal enemy of Professor McYahoo. **who was watching us and so was everyone else.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" **It says you jumped on each other, meaning it was agreed upon by both parties! **I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **Pinks!**

"NO!" I ran up closer. ***cackels* Yes, go infect yourself with pink eye!**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **Wait, didn't this... You did. This is copy-pasted from the start of Chapter 12! I take back what I said at some point, you are a sadist!**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **I still want Brain Bleach. *shudders***

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **Fail + Epic = Epic Fail!**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **Fanfiction is not a way for you to email your 'friends'.**

**A/N: Tell me what you think, don't be shy! Review!**


	5. Chapters 13-15

******A/N: Chapter is up on time but a little later than normal. Though I doubt that any of you care... Oh well!******

*******Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.******

_. _

**Chapter 13: Rescue+fail=flames!**

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **Yes, let's steal from 'friends'! It's how to stay popular!** PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **Which is weird, one would think we were too stupid to be scared.**

"Dumbledore **...she spelt 'Dumbledore' correctly... we're all going to die! Run for it!** Dumblydore!" **Nope, back to normal.** we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" **T-shirt time!** he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice. **MWA HA HA HA H-cough cough. *clears throat* I need to work on that, LOOK AWAY!**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **No, we really don't.**

"No." he said meanly. **At first I saw 'merrily' instead of 'meanly' and saw Dumbledore skipping down the halls of Hogwarts.** "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **Yes, leave the odd vampire to die.** he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **Neither did I.** then he walked away. Vampire started crying. **Take a drink!** "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **Not really...**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry **Take another drink!** tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **Quick! Share it before it dies of loneliness!**

"What?" I asked him. **Clueless as normal.**

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! Voldemprt? **Mprt seems like the sound you make when a cloth is over your mouth, like one with chloroform...**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" **Voldemort is singing a song about Allah? *No offense is meant here***

It was….. Voldemort!

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><p><strong>Chapter 14: The Overwhelming Sueishness.<strong>

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **Yeah right.** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **So you should never update. Ever.**

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **HELL YES! THIS CHAPTER HAS AN OVERWHELMING VOLUME OF SUE! This is NOT for the faint of heart, or the strong of heart to be honest. Not appropriate of anything with eyes.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. **Because Volcemort was.** Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. ***narrows eyes* Wormtail.** Draco was there crying **Drink up!** tears of blood. Snaketail **Or not Wormtail...** was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. **How does one pernounce '.' correctly?** (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started **The sueishness. It's horrible.** laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **Anyone see Wormtail running around like a panicked Anime character with a fountain of extremely fake blood pouring out of his chest? No? Me neither...**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. **HA! Tara agreeded. NO! I don't agree with the sue-ther, never! *Hides in a corner until a very-confused-friend pulls her out*** Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. **Drink time, and probaly the bathroom by this point!**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Oh God, Voldemort in drag. *laughs hysterically* Picture it! *does so and falls off of her chair*** So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **Bottoms up!**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **How insensitive, he should be killing Ebony when she is weak to spare us all the torture.** He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **She just said that, didn't she? I did warn of extreme Sue. Be warned, it gets worse from here.**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **I think Tara likes preps. Yes, I do.**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. ***projectile vomits all over the room***

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><p><strong>Chapter 15: I know a concert that never- ever ends!<strong>

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! **I can't really read this but I think it's something about cutting herself if she gets no good reviews.**

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. **Who cares what color the key is?** It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry T**ake a drink!** and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. **If that was possible vampire's would never hunt people.** Then I looked at my black GC watch **Again, not relevent.** and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **This is Hogwarts, they don't HAVE muggle classes.**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. **That's Transfiguration not Biology.** Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!). **Kiddies, if you ever see something turn into something else you need to get some help.**

"OMFG." **I bet she said "Oh em eff gee"** I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **I don't think 'goffics' watch a Cinderella Story.** Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **You know this concert, it's happened once already!**

**A/N Review, I know you want to!**


	6. Chapters 16-18

**A/N: Chapters 16-18 seemed more painful than the others so far. How is that possible?**

*********Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.********

.

**Chapter 16: The concert is coming! The Concert is coming!**

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! **Hmm, I think she's mad at Raven.** BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **Because violating one language wasn't enough!**

We ran happily to Hogsmede. **We sang and skipped the whole way there.** There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena' **because they seem to be EVERYWHERE.** I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **But no one caught us and we landed awkwardly, breaking our necks.** Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **That actually sounds like a band: Now introducing... VOLDEMORT AND THE DEATH EATERS *cue cheering***

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!"** I thought that we were already there?** I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted **Gadget? Inspector Gadget!**uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. ***snorts* Since when?**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **Dun dun dun!**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina **Yes, he is now a she named Christina.** or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. **But no one cared, so we all died.**

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! **I- *shaked head* Never mind.**

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." **I bet that's wrong, and if not: Really! 0.0** she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **D'aww, isn't it nice to see how freindship keeps people together!**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily. **Laugh... angrily...?**

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **HOW IN THE SEVEN LAYERS OF HELL IS THAT MOVIE 'GOFFIC'?** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **If she does, I hope you go with her.**

"Kawai." **Cute? What?** B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly.** Paradox!** "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **That... that is plain ol' creepy.**

"Kawai." I commnted happily. We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. **More telepathy, look at my happy face. -_-**

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." **AGAIN?** I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. **I liKe TO ranDOMLY cApitALiZE tOo!** "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **I'm not sure why they gave me one, it would mean that I would go back there.**

"No." My head snaped up. **And off, I then died. The shame.**

'WHAT?" my head spuin. **I see that in a The Exorcist kind of way. **I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **No.**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me! **Why not?**). Or me. **Wouldn't you already know then?**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." ***calls out* BROOM SERVICE!**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **Um, I thought all caps meant yelling...**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **The... real... goths...?**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. **NO, DON'T COPY ME!**

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. AHH! **Those last four words were spelt correctly. Run for it!** "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle **Red what?**coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. **If sales people just gave away clothes because they looked good on you, you could save so much money...**

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" **She put 'Tara' in her name. I mean a self-insert is one thing, but this borders on criminal. Well, more than it already was.**

"Tom Rid." **-_- Tom Riddle=Voldemort** He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. " **I thought Voldemort already had black hair? (Well, when he had hair.)** maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, **Why would he?** Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"** Hmm, the only black broom I can think of is the Nimbus 2001. Now who gave one of these psycho's something that could be a weapon? Then again they can't figure out how to use their wands as one so I guess an object that can cause blunt-force trauma is beyond their intelligence.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17: le Concert<strong>

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **Umm what does this say?**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual **like everyone else in this story**). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily. **I thought Willow was killed. I was thrilled, one less character in this monstrosity.**

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.** And HOW is that a good thing?**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **Start pointless clothes:** Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel **Like a belly-button or like the Navy?** but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. **End useless descripions.** We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed. ***le gasp***

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. **How does one have an 'ethnic voice'? And how does Tara know the word ethnic? **We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **Sounds like a band! Why do I feel like I typed this already... It's because I did in Chapter 16. *looks up to check* Yep, already talked about the band 'Voldemort and the Death Eaters', though Death Dealers could work too.**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. **He- he fired a gun with angst?** "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" **YES! DO IT, DO IT NOW!**

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife. ***Cries* But I thought he had a gun, or a wand!**

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **She just defaced Dumbledore. You don't just DO that. There has to be some kind of punishment, right?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 18: Dumbledore is lost<strong>

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! So everyone's a prep. fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! **So that was along the lines of: Stop flaming, I no longer hate Raven, and something about Dumbledore swearing.**

I woke up the next day in my coffin **as opposed to my freezer.** I walked out of it **How do you walk out of a coffin?** and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **Why don't you just walk around naked?** I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). **To type 'skull' instead of 'school' means you shall be shunned.** Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. **The bristles?** There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) Least we don't have to read about it.

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. **It was a room with cheese grater's for the walls, floor, and ceiling. It really hurts to trip.** There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **Pink pants under black pants?** And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. **No, you don't get to say that about the Backstreet Boys.**

***this whole paragraph can be skipped*** "WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **I saw clothes descriptions and couldn't be bothered to read it.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel **the belly-button** was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **He dyed his pet bunny? AND brought it into this story? That's ANIMAL ABUSE!**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!" **Reasonable, that sounds like a terrifying thing to see. *imagines a goth Dumbledore and shudders in horror.***

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?" **I think it sucks.**

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **HEY! What's wrong with Gryffindor? And where's Ravenclaw? My house isn't here! *sniffles*** Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." Albus. **His name is Albus.** HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard)**...What...?** but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **Despite the fact that Dumbledore is somewhere in his hundreds.**

I was so fucking angry. **So am I, this thing CONTINUES!**

**A/N: Review and get virtual pineapples! And no I don't mean cookies!**


	7. Chapters 19-21

**A/N: Heeheehee I'm a day late, sorry! I have a real reason! My evil teacher of math gave me 35 textbook questions and packet work and i had 2 tests to study for plus my other homework! *crickets chirp* And no one cares, le sigh. On to the story/torture!**

***********Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.**********

**********.**********

**Chapter 19: Angstyness**

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise** It's okay, we don't want you to be alright.**

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 ***blinks* Is that supposed to be English?**

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.** Post-phoned? I thought it happened three times already!**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. **I'd love to skip classes.** Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying **Time for the first drink of the chapter!** all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes **Wait, lemme get this straight: His black bunny-rabbit jumped into his big blue eye-balls? Okay then...** like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross **A CROSS. She should die as Tara said this was one of the things that could kill her. **belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) Who would WANT to see the picture?

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled. **Grrrrrrrr. Look at my angry face.**

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **My mind is clearly in the gutter.**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. **I think that means crying, so drink!** Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **If your poop is crying you have some serious problems.** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **What a great role model.**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. ***eye twitch***

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?" **Please let the answer be 'Killing you'... Please let the answer be 'Killing you'...**

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid **RIDDLE. R. I. D. D. L. E. It's not that hard to type!** or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. **It's not a purse, it's a _satchel_! Indiana Jones has one.** "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. ***le gasp***

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 20: The Concert. Yippee.<strong>

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **I'm looking at the words and reading them (kinda, sorta) but not taking anything in. It's like Textbook Syndrome.**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. **It turned out to be a shower of holy water.** Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple **What color is 'urple'?** lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed **As you were cutting yourself?** 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **Like the 'horny simpleton' that you are.**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled **because I'm polite**. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. **DON'T KILL REMUS LIKE THAT! HE'S COOLER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE! *pants angrily* I've been wanting to say that.**

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell **No, I don't**) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **sarcastically+statistically= sarkastikally, or something like that anyway.**

"Fuker." He said, gong away. ***pictures a mini-Lupin leapfrogging down a hallway, only landing on gongs* Yep, I need some help.**

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 **_"Dobby did not wish to kill. Only maim, or seriously injure."_ It's okay Dobby, go for the kill.**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. **DOBBY, YOU'RE AWSOME!** Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **Snape in Gryffindor? When Hell freezes over because of the attack of the flying pigs.**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat **No, you didn't**)

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin **the Pumpkin!** shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. **Kill the Sue!** And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." **Mwahahaha!** I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound **How do you throw an injury at them, or anything else...?** at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." ***gigglesnort*** Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather **Understandable, Sirius does turn into a dog.** Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

….I gasped. ***le gasp***

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. **Where else would they be.**

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. **An organism? You almost gave birth?** Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. **Drink! **I turned and saw Draco, cryin **Drink some more! **in a corner. **Oh, he must of realized how bad this story is. maybe he can plot murder with Canon Harry?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 21: Bottoms up!<strong>

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **I look at that and hear: Blah, blah, blah blah, 'goffic', blah.**

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying **Give me a 'D'! **Give me an 'R'! ****Give me an 'I'! ****Give me a 'N'! ******Give me a 'K'! what does that spell? Drink! **in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **A gothic voice?**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. **Running in a suicidal way must be a special talent.** I stated to cry **Drink!** cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry.** Drink some more! Lot's of drinking in this chapter, huh?** Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) **Tara disturbs me. I mean, being turned on by tears of blood?**

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **Invisibility Coke,**** a robber's favorite drink!** We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris Eh? there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth ***snickers*** come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. **So what? He shoved his face into his stomach and spoke?**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. And then….Vampir frenched me! **WHY?** He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying **Drink! I bet you're *hiccup* drunk by now.** n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid **I love Lake Placid! For those who don't know it's a movie about a giant man-eating alligator/crocodile (can't remember which) and how it's stopped. _*holds up a wormy toe* "Is this your friend?"_** **That is my favorite part of the movie. *nods***(c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together. **WTF? I thought you had a coffin?** As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic **The only mysterious thing about the Ministry of magic is what they actually do.** walked into the school!1

**A/N: Yep, still sorry about being a day late! review and make me feel special!**


	8. Chapters 22-24

**A/N: Wow, I've actually made it through 24 chapters of this. I'm only a little over half-way done. *cries* Don't worry! I will finish this story on schedule, I hate people who never finish what they start writing.**

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 22: No Hope and the Bark Lord**

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 **Can anyone actually read her notes?**

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. ***snicker* Misery of Magic is surprisingly accurate.** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **Sounds itchy.** Then I gasped. ***le gasp***

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! **CREEPERS!**

I opened my crimson eyes. **Wait, if your eyes were closed before how did you see who was there? *the following is all clothes and can be skipped*** Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. ***end clothes* The only other thing was the introduction of some girl named Jenny and that Darkness, Diabolo, Crabbe and Goyle are all brothers. I don't know half those people.**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said. **Yeah, this story is.**

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice. ***I.Q. drops by 30 points***

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." ***gigglesnort***

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. **I thought 'Enoby' was in a hurry?** Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal **All hail the Great King Hal!** and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged **,Cornelius Fudge's sister,** was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **FOR HE IS THE LORD OF DOGS! FEAR THE MIGHTY BARK LORD!**

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY Retry what? OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" ***rasies an eyebrow* Considering these... students... that wouldn't be so bad.**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. **Dear God no.** And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **I _totally_ didn't see that coming. Did anyone see the Queen of all Sue's becoming the savior? I know _I_ didn't. Anyway if Ebony is their only hope they're all screwed.**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. ***le fail***

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 23: I can killz youz?<strong>

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! **-_-**

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. **In half! Please say they sawed you in half!**

"MR. WAY **Mr. Way? Ebony's a GUY!** WHAT THE BEEP **What can't swear now?** ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. **Anyone and anything in this story is horrible corrupted.** "She means hi everybody cum in!"

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness **Wait, I thought Darkness was one of your middle names?** and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **Mexican stand off!**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **Well if they _shit_ next to her, no one will want to _sit_ next to her! *giggles***

"No I do!" shouted. **Who shouted?**

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other. **Let's disregard the presence of wands why don't we...**

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **You said that.** and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. *le gasp* Da room fell silent….Volzemort! **Because of the 'z' in Volzemort I think of those cute kitty photo's that run rampent across the internet. Though a Voldermort cat would be an Evil Demon Cat From Hell. I can see it! the caption would be "I can killz youz?" and the photo would be one of those creepy hairless cat-things!**

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **"I am your father."** sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. **They should be killed anyway, and then disposed of by people in Haz-mat suits.**

I bust into tears. ***BOOM*** Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **Until I looked like a human pretzel that was dead, ending this story.** Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. ***facedesk*** I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

"No!" I screamed sexily. **How do you scream sexily?** Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **I liked The Ring movies, don't trash them by bringing them into this story. (For those who haven't guessed yet I am a horror fan.)**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though." **Professor Sinister sounds like a Super Villain.**

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went. **What a great way to talk to your friends!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 24: Who's teaching?<strong>

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help! **Jealous of what? Your linguistic abilities?**

Well we had Deviation **That is: Deviation from Canon Class** next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions. **I thought you were going to talk to Professor Sinister?**

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister **But you just said it was someone called Trevolry! **in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. **Causing me to see a large cloud of black lipstick, shaped like Haunter from the early Pokémon, sniffing at someones head.** She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair **Healthy.** with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate) She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it. **Who cares?**

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **Does Tara know other stores exists? *looks at readers* She has to know that, right?**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. **Sending her already low popularity through the floor.** "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked.

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry **Is this class taught by 'Trevorly' or Sinister? **said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. **I think Tara is friends with a girl named Brittany. **"Please do exorcize (geddit **No. Nor do I want to.**) 1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. **Yes, lock yourself in and never come out!** I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram." **Err, the Dark Mark in 'goffic' land?**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. **The government has their own shoe line?**

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister. ***jaw drops* She didn't get fired for saying that to a student!**

"Bye bitch." I said waving. **No detention for that! That is unrealistic even for this. Before now the teachers actually got mad...**

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **This must be an exhibt on either A) How not to write, ****B) Mary Sues and their terrible powers, ****or C) How to fail at being goth.**

**A/N: Review! I know you want to!**


	9. Chapters 25-27

**A/N: Well because the chapters from the last two days were already typed and posted quickly I didn't have time to check on reviews or anything, so here's a belated shout out to my first reviewer who-is-not-a-friend-who-checked-on-my-story-because-I-asked-them-to: Talon-Murtagh-Poe-Sirius-Bya! Have a virtual pineapple!**

**All readers please note that logic seems to die around here, more so than before.**

***Disclaimer* I'm _still_ not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 25: Meet the Flintstones**

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1** Who's Justin? I no longer pay good attention to these note... type... things.**

I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car. **Déjà vu...**

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting **Like potting plants? **his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **Enough with the goddamn nail polish already! Nobody cares!**

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. **Spork! I love sporks, they happen to be my favorite utensil!** He started to fly the car into a tree **where we crashed**. We went to the top of it **but it turned out to be the Whopping Willow**. Draco put on some MCR. **Why does it never happen as I say?**

"And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling **Doesn't tilling and/or till have something to do with farming?** of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. ***shudders* Sounds. So. Uncomfortable.** I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep. ***gigglesnort* Now he'll know you were faking!** I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. **Ran away in a red car? Is anyone else out there seeing the Flintstones here? You know, in that car thing that they would go in and then have to run, which happened to be red.**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **I thought you had limpid blue eyes?**

I started to cry **First drink of the chapter!** and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **I thought magic interfered with electronics?** Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111 **Assuming she meant Lucius and Sirius, who cares about the Malfoy and DON'T YOU DARE KILL OF SIRIUS! HE CAN'T DIE! *please note that the author denies the ending of the fifth book. Sirius is alive. Shut up***

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 26: Division CAN be fun!<strong>

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 **Urgh**

A few mutates **Mutations? This story has plenty of those and they're all the malignant cancerous kind.** later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **No one can sob and be flirty, it's simply impossible.** Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry **Drink!** tears of blood and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry **Drink again!** sadly. "What fucking dick did that!" **Besides the 'He4' that was all spelt correctly. *blinks* Where are the zombies?******

"I don't know." **You don't know about a lot of things.** I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire **Sire? If they're all vampires does that mean it was Dumbledore who turned them?** are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **Don't be silly, of course Ebony is divisional! Give me a saw and I'll show you. We can go into half's, third's, fourth's, sixteenth's... Don't look at me like that, it's not as if Ebony is human. Anyway, seeing as a saw is not a cross or a piece of meat it can't kill her. *sulks***

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." **0.0** he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter **I don't know! But it is out of character!**). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **True, no one here seems to come to proper decisions.** Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" ***gigglesnort***

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." I said. **H-h-how do you misspell London?** I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. **How specific.** After a few mistunes **Mistunes of what I wonder?** he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **AND YOU LET HIM?** We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 **I'm still not clear on who Proffeser Sinister is.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 27: Beginning of the Decent into the Maelstrom<strong>

***warning* The story actually manages to go downhill from here on out. Reading with a cuddly stuffed toy is advised.**

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u **But i will hurt them.**

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111 **If she was that depressed I don't think that she would be posting it on the internet.**

Every1 in the room stated to cry **DRINK!** happly- I had saved them. **But you didn't do anything!** Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **James Bond** Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." ***sigh* 'Fuck' is Tara's only swear word isn't it?**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled ***sniff sniff*** happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister **Who _is_ this?** took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said… "Tara, ***coughsuperselfinsertcough*** I see drak times are near." She said badly. **Well it was a bad prediction. Of course bad times are coming, I told you that the story was getting worse!** She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner **Exercise time!** like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **Voldemint, the only toothpaste for a Dark or Bark Lord. *flashes overly white smile* This product is brought to you by Grindwald Inc. and is endorsed by the popular band Voldemort and the Death Dealers!** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" **Yes, Voldemort can not love. Take note of that you creepy writers who pair him off with people.** I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. ***gags*** It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **Did what? **I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. **Fond of...?** Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. **Him who? Am I the only one who doesn't know this mysterious Him?** Even Mr. Noris looked happy. **Since she means either Mrs. Norris or Filch that is wrong, neither is ever happy.** A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes! Respect it!**

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **Into the Forbidden Forest where we disappeared, never to be seen from or heard from again.**

**A/N:****For a funny comic about the Zombie Apocalypse go here: /comics/zombie_how **

**Review while I still have the sanity to understand them! I mean it, this story DOES things t oyou.**


	10. Chapters 28-30

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and if I owned the original story I would die from the pure association. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 28: Breaking the Law**

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111 **Lol what?**

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak **Wow the walls were black in a black room? I thought they'd be purple!** with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **Um, I don't think it's legal to own furniture made of bones. I bet you could find some on ebay anyway!** I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. **L-leather thong, the horror.**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **I hope that meant she dispersed into teeny tiny little invisible pieces!** So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting **More planting!** his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **No one, and I mean NO ONE cares about your nail polish!**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot **Is 'put' really that hard a word?** his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. **She smiled with her lipstick instead of her lips? How does that work?** "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time"

Draco started to cry **Drink up!** sadly. Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. **Wait who said this? Draco? Darko? Vampire? Loopin? Snape? Dublydor? **"But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?"

"Of coarse not!" I gasped. ***Grammar Alert*** **That should be 'course' not 'coarse'.**

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly**, he clearly wanted to shoot us**.

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. **I didn't know that you could replace tattoo's!** I gasped. ***le gasp*** He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **Dear God I think everybody looks like him to Tara's weird mind.** Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **Child pornography is illegal.**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **...Spock? **in my you-know-what and passively we did it. **Feel the excitement of passive fails!**

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 29: Brace Yourself<strong>

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111 **This has been bugging me for a while now: Just what help is Raven giving?**

"Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. **BANG! BANG! They're dead, let's celebrate!**

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. ***gigglesnort*** We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. **Life Lesson: Never put caramel in your pocket, it won't end well.**

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily. **What's with all the shooting?**

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded **DEMONS!** all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. **The world leading center in fruit rehabilitation.** So give back da camera!1111"

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly. **Snoopy? Snoop Dog? Who is this Snoop?**

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. **Google is superior to Yahoo!, if you disagree you can leave.** She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry **Drink! And yes I'll continue with this game!** all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111 **No one would marry you, no matter how drugged**).

I started to cry** Drink!** tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **Why for the love of all that is good in this world didn't they take out their wands then?** They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand. **Holy Mother of Narwals! Someone has an ACTUAL wand! You there, yes, you in the back! Owl the Daily Prophet at once with this ground breaking news!**

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **I think seeing Snape danceing a ballet in coustume would make my list of Top 10 Mentally Scarring Things.** I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. **Drink up!**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. **Who the hell is Evergreen?** Remember the cideo u took of Snake."

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **I'm going to be scarred for life, aren't I? Brace Yourself, the next chapter is sad...**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 30: Rapping and Texting<strong>

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111 **blah blah society sucks! derp derp blah goffic! That was a summary of Tara's note, I think it's quite accurate.**

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. ***chuckles* How does one 'loaf meanly'?** He took out a kamera anvilly. Then… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **WTF?**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **That must have been incredibly painful to get, and painful whenever Voldemort makes it burn.**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **They're going to rap?**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. **Argh! *loud banging noises are hear for several minutes*** He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist **Fail**) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. **His hair is black in canon!** I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. **Oh yes, How romantic those moments were. *eyeroll***

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. **I read this and I see Harry and Draco tied to posts while Snape dances around them in a strange animal costume hitting them with pies and chanting, "Ooga Boonga" over and over. In the background Ebony is dressed like Yoda.** I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted. **Where does this endless supply of guns come from?**

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. **AH! More wands!**

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him….

"Crosio!" I shited ***gigglesnort*** pointing my wound. **She cursed him with her wound?** Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio. **This is how I picture that conversation!**

**Ebony: Serious u lik hav 2 help us! Snoop is gonna rap Drako and mak him a prep!**

**Sirius: Who in the name of Merlin's Trousers are you? Moony put you up to this didn't he! I didn't mean to send that message, he didn't explain how to use this thing properly!**

**Ebony: Help me, drago needs help from snap lik rite now!111**

**Sirius:** **I'm on the run from the law because of a traitorous rat! What am i supposed to do?**

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. ***cries* But his name is Severus Snape, he's one person!**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **I've come to a conclusion: Everybody in this story suffers from MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) which is why they all have 32.4 names!**

**A/N: Come on review! If you do I'll write an omake where Ebony meets the canon characters, just tell me who you want her to meet the most.**


	11. Chapters 31-33

**A/N: From here on out logic is like Voldemort's nose, you know it should be there but no matter how hard you look you won't find it.**

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and if I owned the original story I would die from pure association and shame. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 31: Pensive=Super Time-Turner**

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111 **Again, I don't see what help Raven is providing.**

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." Serious said 2 Snape. **Dear God, something that is sorta-kinda in character.**

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed. **Clamed? I've never been clamming.**

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. **SNAPE AND SEVERUS ARE THE SAME PERSON!** He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister **I still don't know who this is.** and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. **Why? You did nothing!** Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store. **Wait, how can she go back in time to seduce Voldemort if Tom Riddle is already in her time?**

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut **I think she meant slutty.** black leather gothic dress. **Really, how could you wear a leather dress and still be comfortable?** It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. **It reached your legs**? I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. **She can't even dress herself. *thinks* I guess it's to complicated for her.**

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.

"Fangs." I said.

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." **In Tim? Tim who?** said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **Is she talking about the thigh-holster? Not that it matters, no character of Tara's is cool enough for Resident Evil.** Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry **I thought that Ebony was talking to Sinister?** said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it. **She has absolutely no clue what a pensive is does she?**

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **What is this death touch sin thing?** **Can anybody tell me?** Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. **What she shimmed her hips then jumped in?**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111** Who in the name of little blue kittens is Tom Bombodil?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 32: Destroying the past<strong>

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111 **I'm on the verge of giving up on these notes.**

"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." **What happened to your middle names?** I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him. **If she talks about nail polish one more time I'm going to scream.**

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **Except for the fact that his middle name is **Marvolo.****

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked. **I don't think Green Day existed back then either.**

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s)

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.

"hogsment?" I asked. **I thought it was Hogsmead?**

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **Woohoo! Breaking the fourth wall**! he told me all sekrtivly. **What is 'sekrivly'? **"and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

'topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." **Ishoo sounds like a sneeze. ** He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **Can anyone else hear the fourth wall crumbling?**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted. **No, the headmaster is Professor Dippit and Dumbledore teaches Transfiguration.**

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED.

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik **No.**) he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **She sniffed him in a happy way?**

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. **Shredding... yes! They're dead!** "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair **Auburn hair, and it was long by this point.** and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. "STUPID GOFFS!"

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **The Bark Lord, the lord of dogs and tree bark!**

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly. **Yeah, the Umbridge type of sweet.**

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **They all just noticed how freakish you are.**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell. **Ebony is going back to Hell, where she belongs.**

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said. **Yep, no clue what a pensive is.**

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. ***growls***

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?" **Wait didn't Sinister/Trevoly give her permission to be in there?**

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **Yes, for being goff makes it easier to forget things. On second thought that makes sense seeing as all 'goffs' seem to be at LEAST 30 I.Q. points too low.**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." she started to cry** Take a shot!** black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" **Wait so it's black blood?** he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying **Drink! **again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **I have so many things to say, but will be unable to type any without giggling.**

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 **What is this 'serious issue'?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 33: Normal (for Tara) Time<strong>

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 **Well then she should never update because anyone who gave this a good review needs to be lynched.**

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?" **St. Manga must be the hospital for manga's. There should be a St. Anime then, it could help with chronically stupid main characters who never seem to get any better at most things and all the other stuff I could rant about but won't for I doubt you all want to read it.**

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, **Leggo my Eggo!** I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?"** Wait, who's Tom Anderson?**

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **It was his Panama?**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. **I'm beginning to see a trend of everything being sexy from here on out.**

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked. ***giggle* Bork is a funny sounding word.**

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. **So you felt bad for shooting him and kissed him? If I had been shot I'd be less forgiving.**

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled. **Sniper no sniping! Unless it's character's from here.**

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin **the Pumpkin** werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **I picture Snape, Remus, and Sirius all locked in a room and Sirius is poking Snape and Remus with a stick. Every time he pokes them he says, "Bother, bother!"**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin **the Pumpkin** bagged **the groceries** as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. **I think she meant sadistically but statistics are pretty close.** I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). **There were so many errors in that note that I couldn't even read it due to the grammar nazi side of me screaming in pain.** We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **She's trashing movies I like on purpose isn't she? Anyway, EBONY IS NOT COOL ENOUGH FOR ANYTHINH FROM THE UNDERWORLD MOVIES.** (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **So you got dressed for the sole purpose of taking them off 2.1 seconds later?** I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. **Instead of seeing the kissing scenes from The Grudge (will she leave me with no movies left uncontaminated?) I see the part where that mostly unimportant girl is walking down the stairs in that hotel with her jaw ripped off.** He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. **-_-**

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively **If you say it passively it'll be obvious that you're faking!** as he got an eructation.

"I luv u TaEbory." **She went to go type Tara! Talk about a super-self-insert!** he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

**A/N: Come on people, review! Tell me whatcha think!**


	12. Chapter 34-36

**Chapter 34: In Which We Time Travel **

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1** WHAT HELP?**

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. ***start clothes*** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. ***end clothes*** Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office." **Who. Is. Sinistor?**

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway. **You horny simpleton.**

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.** *raises eyebrow* He's how much older than you? And you have a boyfriend.**

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic **Statistics are cose enough to sadism for me.** way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol." **I highly doubt that Sirius (who is not dead, dammit) would ever find anything funny about Azkaban.**

I laughed evilly.

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" **Vampire had a sex change? **I muttered.

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas." **I watched that movie in the 3rd grade, it's not what I would call 'goffic'.**

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ **http what?** She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner. ***bangs head into the wall***

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!" **There is no cure for addiction.**

And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. **If you were using a time-turner you would end up in the same office you left from.** It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed…he was drinking a portent.

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **Slughorn? But I thought My Immortal came out before the sixth book did...** Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat." **Well there goes The Exorcist.**

"Yah?"

"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?"** Nooooo! No more concerts!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 35: In Which There is More 'Music'<strong>

Chapter 35. gost of u **Ghost? Someone must die then, I hope it's Ebony!**

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.** I give up trying to read these things!**

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped ***le gasp* **…..Draco wuz there!111 **HOW? How did he get to the past?**

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.** Can these... people... even wear a color that's not black or red?**

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.** Wait a minute, when did Lucius have one arm?**

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz." **She apparently said 'we shook hands' out loud. Fail.**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. **I read this as knitting at first.** It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad **James?** and…Snap! **Unless they were planning a prank James and Sirius would NEVER have set foot in the Slytherin Common Room. **All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.** And how are they all even at school at the same time as Voldemort?**

"ORLY." I ESKED. **YES REALLY.**

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. **Why does that look more like part of an email adress?** I play teh gutter. Spartacus **The fuck is Spartacus doing in this story?** plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **Another movie I like ruined forever. *sigh***

"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? No really, if you know tell me.** Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **Probably to get out of this story, and I use the term story loosely.**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. ***le gasp***

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said.** Does a lead snigger stand on stage and snigger at how stupid they all are?**

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. **Another e-mail.** Do u wanna hr me sing?" **NO!**

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day. ***slams head into the wall* NO! THE FAIL BURNS! IT BURNS!**

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I sang sexily **I told you, everything is going to be done 'sexily'. Just you wait.** (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped. ***le group gasp***

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. **coughMarySuecough**

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?"

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 **No! Now she's ruining Back to the Future! Run Morty! Get Doc to fix the Flux Capacitor and leave this place at once!** He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked. **Excellent question! Why are you here Morty?**

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 ***eyetwitch***

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 36: In Which There is Much Confusion<strong>

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 **Raven's going to England? protect yourselves English people!**

I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B'lody Mary, Socrates First Spartacus and now **Socrates? How does Tara even know their names?** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.** Pet Peeve Time: The proper form would be 'there'.**

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111" **Snape is the closest of any of the canon characters to being goth.**

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. **T-*sigh* Never mind.**

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too." **Couldn't she go shopping in the past at Hogsmeat of whatever Tara called it?**

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik **No.**) gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?"

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" **Once again I read 'group knitting session'.** said Profesor Trevolry.

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow.

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly. **What does Ebony need love potions for? She is a Mary Sue!**

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go.

We went sexily ***cries* Stop doing stuff 'sexily'.** to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **BWA HA HA HA! That is my new favorite misspelling of Fudge!**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. **You send people with cancer to prison?** "Now do ur work!111"

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111" **Apparently the Minister of Magic teaches Potions Class and is now getting a bridge.**

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **A cupboard that's big enough to fit Hagrid is a walk-in closet.**

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted. **Huh?**

I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. **How do you beat someone up sexily?**

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111 **Amnesia potion like that from Amnesia: The Dark Decent? That is a scary game. I haven't played it but watched a let's play of it by Mangaminx. I recommend you watch it, it's hilarious (and terrifying)!**


	13. Chapters 37-39

**A/N: I'm not very pleased with this chapter but is is a Monday, cut me some slack.**

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and if I owned the original story I would die from the pure association. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 37: What just happened?**

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11 **Poor place where Tara is going.**

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **How is that funny?**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1" **How would forgetting EVERYTHING help him fall in love with you?**

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," said Vampire. "Why would u need it?" **Because she generally fails at life.**

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby. **Because Tom forgetting everything will do that...**

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly.

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep.** I am of the opinion that Tara is friends with a Brittany!**

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room." **Eh?**

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister **Ya know, I've decided that Sinister and Trevorly are the same person.** wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. **I though Voldemort was in the past?**

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. **I think she meant clothes.**

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset. ***vomits***

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. **You cannot hug in a 'gothic way'. The only possible exception from that rule is Abby from NCIS because she's cool like that.** I took da clothes in da bag.

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. **I picture a neon orange sign with pink light-up arrows saying "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here." That should title of this story! Oh well, I'll just have to include it somewhere.**

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge. **That had less logic than one of my dreams, which takes skill seeing as I had a dream once where blue lobsters came out of litter boxes to take over the world.**

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11"

Suddenly Dumblydore came.** We all wonder, 'Will Dumbledore defy the laws of nature again and swear?'**

**"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's *sniffle* Bye bye Back to the Future.** blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! **Efface?** I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross.** PARADOX! Speaking of which, what would happen if Pinnocio said that his nose was going to grow?** I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

**Person A: What are you doing?**

**Person B: I don't know. What are YOU doing?**

**Person A: I don't know! *sobs***

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **POV switch?**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.** Aren't some of those people from different time periods?**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." ***looks pathetic* No! Not Sirius!** Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan. **Hasn't this concert happened FIVE times already?**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 38: The concert and the sacrifice<strong>

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? Y**ou can just end the story here. I promise that we're all okay with that.** oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 **I'm about 97% sure that there is only one car that jumps around a lot.** just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, **Cutting is spelt with a 'C'! If the c was there I might stop thinking knitting!** musik and being goffik.

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. ***cue ghosty noises* I see poor health and jail time in your future! Whoooo! *end ghosty noises*** (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) **Eh, what?**

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." I said in a flirty voice. "….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?" **Sad, soooooo sad.**

"Well…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **Vampires. Do. Not. Have. Blood. ...Or glitter.**

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. **Goodbye Exorcist, you will be missed.** In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. **No, it is not about that. That wasn't even close!** Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists. **Writing this story definitely shows signs of sadism.**

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag.** From his poket to his man-purse? Won't he notice the shift in position? **Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.** The only person permitted to smoke shapes is Gandalf, and Satan is not him.**

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?" **Shhh, you're in a movie!**

I new that the amnesia had worked.

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u." **WTF? I'm so confused!**

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. **You took off his what?** He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. ***looks on in shock* Some lady is a prep because she wanted you to stop having sex in a public place?**

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood.

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped** *snickers* She scared the shit out of them.** koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.

"Siriusly?" he gasped.

"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. **Does she know that it is odd to smell things in a happy way?**

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. **Feel the passion!** Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. **Did the what?** I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way.** He either looked like a candy or a solar system?** I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

"I wood like to peasant…..XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag. **then everybody threw rotten fruit at them because they sucked.**

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. **That counts as ear rape right?** Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro.

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. ***le gasp* Please let Ebony make a Sue-ish sacrifice!**

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. **Shoot of his arm with a knife?**

And den…I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 **Please be dead!**

"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.** YES! HA HA HA! VICTORY IS MINE, IT FINALLY HAPPENED LIKE I SAID IT WOULD!**

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><p>Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz <strong>This is also know as the greatest chapter known to human and computer kind, so I shall not comment.<strong>

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married.

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occurred to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony suppressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UN-LOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocritical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here: **End the awesome. Go on, give our resident troll a round of applause!**

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111 **Blarg**

I woke up in da Norse's offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. **No, she's still alive!**

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded. **Voldemort from the past or present?**

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry **Drink!** tearz of blood al selective. **Does anyone else think seeing Voldemort cry would be as weird as Harry hugging Bellatrix?**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.

Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **WHAT TIME PEROD IS THIS?**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary. **Why? Why does she have to live?**

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped. **I wish, I really do.**

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time." **That makes no sense.**

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! **Could somebody, anybody, tell me when he had ONE?**

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped. ***le gasp***

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James. **Eh, he possessed himself?**

"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **No he wasn't.**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **That made no sense to me, I've been abnormally dumb today.**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **I wanted to see that movie! Dammit, Tara killed it.** said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **How does that even work?** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong **Ouch and itchy.** that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire. ***dry heaves***

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.

"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily.** You can't do these things sexily.** And den…..I gasped… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily. **This is going to become painful.**

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **That was painful to read.**

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.** She took a piece of meat out in a sexy manner?**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again. **She cut herself on meat. Wow, that takes skill.**

Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P **It's okay troll-thure, we all love you.**

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.

**A/N: Review? Pwetty pwease? *gives puppy dog eyes of doom***


	14. Chapter 40-41

**A/N: I know, I know, I'm late again. I had a lot of homework and tests and projects and things you people don't care about. And because there are only two chapters left this will contain only two of Tara's chapters.**

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and if I owned the original story I would die from the pure association. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 40: Owl to Person**

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! **I do have a life, a large part of it just happens to be Fanfiction!** I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while **We don't mind.** but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland. **That caused me physical pain.**

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. **Danger Alert!** I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said '1980.' **I've stopped reading when Tara begins to describe things. What about you?**

"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" **Why are you in some person nammed Tim?** I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss! **Photo refreshments?**). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally. **I'm still confused on how one speaks in a gothic manner.**

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. **Please say that 'sexily' isn't the only adjective from now.** "OMG am I dedd?" **I wish it was so**. koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap **Crackle! Pop!** !111

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **Death would have been better.** I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine. ***eyetwitch***

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally **Say what how?** as he smokd a cigarette sexily **Grrr** and smoke came all over his face. ***coughcoughchoke*** "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing." **Why is James forwards in time?**

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. **And how does that work exactly?** "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, **BY WHO/WHAT?** but I didn't want him2 know I knew.

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly. **That must be one of the least evil things ever said.**

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. **But I thought James did shoot at him...** Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. **When did Lucius have one arm? Did Lucius turn into Sesshomaru?** I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 **So anyone in this story with a 'y' chromosome?** He had ***begins description*** bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. ***ends description*** "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. **That's no reason to be angry.**

"Dis is…Hedwig!11" ***glares* You don't do that to an owl. Hedwig was an innocent owl who never hurt anyone, was a symbol of the franchise, and should not be besmirched by this thing.** Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. **I will not lose my temper. I will not lose my temper.**

"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. **A grooming class I guess.** He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)

"Bye." I sed all sexily. ***snarls***

"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails. **Poor, poor Hedwig.**

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!). **Wait what? I did not understand that strange language.**

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys." **I thought Hedwig had left...**

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. **I doubt they would talk to each other normally.**

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **Malfoy is never friends with Harry. (I'm talking to you Drarry shippers.)**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian. **How w- You know, I don't really want it explained to me.**

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. ***facedesk*** Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. **ANIMAL ABUSE!**

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi. **Raise your hand if you think everybody Tara likes is bi in this! *looks around* Everybody does? Good, that means you've been paying attention. Might I recommend therapy?**

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's. **His gun?**

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111 **Is Mr. Norris Cat Man?**

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><p><strong>Chapter 41: Longest chapter yet<strong>

Chapter 41. da blak parade

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111 **My eyes are now watering.**

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. **No really? He looked younger in the past, how shocking!** He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time. **I'm going to need a therapist.**

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly. **By making porn?**

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece. **Is it really that difficult to spell words?**

"You fucking poser." I muttoned. '**I muttoned' is like saying 'I sheep meated'.**

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11 **The time machine in Back to the Future is a car, not an ipod.**

"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake**(Snape)** said preppily. **Snape and preppy should never be in the same sentence, it's simply too disturbing.**

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom.

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was…..Satan. **H-how do you jump into an ipod?**

"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. **Screamed wisely, how does that sound?**

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **So Ebony has magically changed clothes and told us more usless information about her hair.**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice. **Shouldn't he recognize his own Common Room? And what the hell is an emo voice?**

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.** So now the ipod belonged to Dumbledore.**

"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered. **An eye patch is a patch that goes over your eye. Sheesh, it's not that difficult.**

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked. **Here's a yak, there's a yak, everywhere a yak!**

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly. **Uh, I would say 'soil' but that might just be me...**

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. **How does an incredibly stupid question help. Oh, wait. He was clearly seeing how stupid Ebony is, only one person can truly be that dumb.**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

***begin Hello's and clothes*** "OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes. ***end Hello's and clothes***

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry. **Drink!**

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked. **How would that matter to Tara- I mean Ebony. You're male and 'goffic' so she likes you! It's simple!**

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. **I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!** She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly. **Wait what? He was where?**

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.

"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.** Obviously Tara is most bestest-best friendliest-friendly-friends with a girl named Brittany!**

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly. **Ya know, I just noticed that this must be Tara's longest chapter yet.**

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?"

"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said. **I think I would have been celebrating.**

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out. **I think that that said, "Listen everyone, I have something to tell you. In an hour everyone stay away!" *insert dramatic music***

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried.

I ran sexily **ARG!** down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan. **Oy vey!**

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. ***says in a singsongy voice* Brittany has better spelling and grammar than Ebony!**

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically. ***facedesk***

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" **Another sex-change?** I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. ***start useless descriptions*** He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1) ***end useless description***"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me." **And Harry doesn't care that there are now two versions of the man that killed his parents?**

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice. **I have teh anger!**

"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY. **HA! She can't do anything smartly.**

"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly….all da lights in da room went out. And den….da Dork Mark appeared. **What would the Dork mark look like I wonder?**

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.** Well... that was painful.**

**A/N: One chapter left, can you believe it! Review!**


	15. Chapters 42-43

**A/N: The last chapter. I actually did it, I finished! Can you all believe it? Oh, quick warning: Tara tries another lemon, needless to say it fails. Badly.**

***Disclaimer* I'm still not rich or English and thankfully don't own the original story. I don't own any references but own my comments.**

**.**

**Chapter 42: And Tara tries another lemon.**

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 if u flam den fukk u!111 **Ha, that's a lie. This is the second to last chapter!**

I walked sexily **I now hate that word.** into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! He sat der in deddly bloom **What does that mean?** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.** It's all makes sense now, everybody who's a guy here is really a messed up clone of Gerald Way.**

"Draco are you okay?" I asked. **0.0 That whole sentence was correct.**

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it. **Because kiddies, that is the key to a successful life.**

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" I asked teardully. **I think that was tearfully...**

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us. **You can't apparate inside of Hogwarts, it's in Hogwarts: A History.**

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed. **That was kinda in character for Filch...**

"Pop addelum!111" **What kind of spell is that?** I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. ** I really ****want to know how that sounds.** "Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really. **Haven't they already met in the Chamber of Secrets...**

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily ***eyetwitch*** at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way,** Shocker.** Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. **No originality at all, it's really not that hard to come up with an appearance.**

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. **I thought that I already said that it is a bad idea to keep caramel in your pocket.** And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, **That sounds so uncomfortable.** my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly….. ***blinks* What the hell!**

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate **Of course, it's already been established that it's the only car in the story.** flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 43: The end. <strong>

AN: well I hav noffing 2 s **If you have nothing to say why put a note?**

ay but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak. **1) Clearly, you had something to say. 2) This is your last chapter!**

"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape! **I thought that Snap was in the car?**

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." **Like Snape would mispronounce his favorite insult. **he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!" **So we have the Dark Lord, the Dork Lord, and the Bark Lord. Who votes for a Battle Royale? **

"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!" **Is a ropeist like a trapeze artist? If it is I'm running, I don't want to see Snape in a leotard.**

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, **He never had green eyes.** no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… Voldemont!111 **So he morphed into an older version of himself?**

"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" **Correct**** spelling! Run for it!** Thunder came in da room.

"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. **I think Harry would rather cut off his foot than beg Voldemort to spare him.** Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in. **Well I guess that the twins do exist.**

"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) **Goodness gracious great balls of fire! Tara got a fact right! **He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. ***facedesk* Ow, my head hurts.** Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik. **Again, how does one fly in an evil manner?**

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) ***gags***

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly.** *gigglesnort* Did you all just read that? *giggles again***

"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" **That is the new international battle cry. Forget Aslan and Narnia for now we shall all run into battle screaming, "I know a four letter word for dirt, *insert needed word here*! **screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.** Why a camera? How can it help you?**

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with **With who? Or more likely, with what?**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly.** *raises eyebrow even though she can't really do that* A gothic Paris Hilton?**

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11"

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped as he sat in chains. **Lupin/Loopin is sitting on a swinging chair of chains watching this train wreck go down. Smart man.**

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin **the Pumpkin** roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye soon." **He's going to turn them different colors? Wouldn't making them die be more convenient?**

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one. **dun-dun-dun, dun... dun... dun...**

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly. **Mexican stand-off you idiot!**

"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. **So Voldemort snezzes on 'Nevel's' wand and gets his wind... what ever that is.** "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **Yes!**

He maid lighting come all over da place.

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried. **Dumbledark? Is that Dumbledore's cousin or something?**

I cried **Drink!** sexily **ARGH!** I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **Like what? Spit on puppies and torture innocent fanfiction users?**

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.** *sings to the tune of We Are The Champions* It's done! It's done! It's done It's done! WooHoo! I finished! And now it's done!**

**A/N: Keep a look out for what my next commentary: My Immortal: All that im livin for. Yes you read that right, Tara made a sequel/retry to My Immortal. Someone save my brain cells.**


	16. Author's Note

Well My Immortal is officially finished! Now I'm in the process of commenting on Tara's repost/retry of My Immortal. Yes, it exists. It's a grand total of three chapters so I shall post it in one!

I'd like to give a thank you to my lovely reviewers: Cathylove, Miss. R. Hood, and Talon-Murtagh-Poe-Sirius-Bya (Who reviewed multiple times and is therefore awesome.)

If you have any other fics that you would like to see commented or translated P.M. me!


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